‘Is my husband the cheapest man in America?’ We only eat out on our anniversary.

He does all his shopping at big-box stores, buys in bulk and wears clothes until they are worn through. He doesn’t use social media. From time to time we will go out to eat for an early-bird menu — on special occasions like our anniversary. The most ironic part about this whole thing? He’s an accountant! It beggars belief.

My husband works in IT and earns $90,000 a year. I am a teacher, and I earn $65,000 a year. We have a comfortable life. We have no children, and our monthly mortgage payment is $1,600. We are about halfway through the lifetime of our loan. We both have retirement accounts, and we are on track to have a comfortable life after we finally retire.

We have a good relationship, and we are in this for the long haul. I go out with my girlfriends when I need excitement, and my husband stays home with our dog, watching golf and cooking shows. He bakes cakes as a way of relaxing. But I wish we did more together, and if he made me feel special from time to time with a necklace or a bunch of flowers, that would also be nice.

Is my husband the cheapest man in America? Or am I judging him harshly?

Long-Haul Wife

Also see: ‘iPhones are depreciating devices:’ What’s a better deal — buying an iPhone 15 or investing $800 in Apple stock?

Dear Long-Haul,

There’s a big (free) silver lining to your story: When you hang up your chalk and your husband hangs up his mouse, you will have the comfort of knowing that you didn’t fritter away your retirement on over-salted restaurant food, and hotel rooms with views of the car park. The more frugal and vexing behavior you described in your letter, the more I liked your husband. A man who doesn’t spend all day doom-scrolling on his iPhone AAPL,!

I admire his independent spirit and self-containment. He’s a man who needs no affirmation via Instagram, Facebook META, or TikTok. And I also appreciate that he does not need to be out and about, socializing in five-star restaurants to feel validated. No $190,000 Tesla TSLA, Model S Plaid for him! There is a lot to admire about your husband, and that comes across in your letter.

The average U.S. household spends about $3,600 a year eating out — which comes to $300 a month. That’s more than the average annual budget for vacations — which was $2,000 a year before the pandemic — and it could pay for a lot of things, like maybe a gold bracelet, or a cruise from time to time. Imagine your husband on a cruise. He might love it! He might hate it! He would probably hate it. Or would he?

The lack of an engagement ring is a headline-grabbing detail, but it was a mutual decision, and a smart one. Some people in the diamond industry suggest spending twice your monthly income on a ring. The “A Diamond is Forever” marketing campaign by the DeBeers diamond company, written by copywriter Frances Gerety in 1947, was a stroke of marketing genius.

Communicate your wishes. Suggest surprising each other with a monthly act of kindness. It’s the little acts of kindness that we remember: The person who approaches us at a party because they see us standing alone; the kind word from a friend when we look tired…