My wife wants to spend $5K to attend a cousin’s marriage ceremony. I say no. Am I egocentric?

I make a superb dwelling in contrast to her, and simply purchased a very costly new automotive. I additionally spend a good quantity of disposable earnings on my actions. I do pay a lot greater than my wife towards our dwelling bills. 

I informed her she will use her financial savings to fund this journey, and I will fortunately attend. She says I am rubbing it in her face that I earn more money than her and $5,000 isn’t any huge deal to me. But, hey, $5,000 is $5,000.

This cousin didn’t fly in to attend our marriage ceremony and solely despatched a modest present. I’ve met him possibly thrice throughout our five-year marriage. Am I being egocentric?

Unsure In New York

Dear Unsure,

I have some questions for you.

You write in regards to the relationship between your self and your wife’s cousin — and that you’ve solely met him thrice in 5 years — however what’s the relationship between your wife and her cousin? If she is shut to this cousin, and you’ll usually spend a number of hundreds of {dollars} on a trip collectively, would it not damage to roll this vacation spot marriage ceremony into a broader trip for your loved ones? If this cousin isn’t engaged in your life, do you’ve to be engaged in his?

What is that this standoff actually about? From your letter, it appears that you would be able to afford to take such an costly trip, and spend cash by yourself leisure actions, however you’ve a downside with a) being cajoled into a vacation spot marriage ceremony and b) the truth that it’s for a particular person you don’t know very nicely. It’s one or two days, after which you may benefit from the journey to have personal household time. It doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing prospect.

Destination weddings are enjoyable for individuals who can afford them, and individuals who can’t afford them can often (however not at all times) ship their regrets. This ballot by the personal-finance platform LendingTree discovered that destination-wedding friends spend about $1,400 on common, together with on journey, items and private objects, and so they spend upwards of $2,500 for such weddings outdoors of the U.S. That’s shut to a month-to-month lease or mortgage compensation for many individuals.

Let’s speak about your spending for a minute. Your cash, your selection, proper? Yes, and no. Every greenback you spend on an costly automotive or lavish leisure actions is cash you received’t have if an emergency strikes — you lose your job or there’s a shock medical occasion — and it’s additionally cash you received’t have in your and your wife’s retirement. It’s no shock that you’re having hassle making this resolution collectively should you already act unilaterally on main monetary selections.

So to reply your query: No, you aren’t being egocentric — however neither is your wife. You each sound like strong-willed folks. This marriage ceremony has turn into a flashpoint for different points in your marriage: the distinction in your salaries, your willingness to spend tens of hundreds of {dollars} on a new automotive however not in your wife’s cousin’s vacation spot marriage ceremony. The marriage ceremony reception has turn into a battleground: Do you care about your stuff, or your wife’s needs?

That’s an unimaginable query to reply. Step again. This is a chance to have a greater and more healthy dialog about the way you each spend cash, and the way a lot you need to put into a joint account so you’ll be able to have less-contentious discussions with out falling again on the “I earn more money than you and it’s coming out of my pocket” dialog. I know you earn greater than your wife, however would you like a lifetime of getting that dialog?

The time has come to finish that when and for all.

You can e-mail The Moneyist with any monetary and moral questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and observe Quentin Fottrell on Twitter.

Check out the Moneyist personal Facebook group, the place we search for solutions to life’s thorniest cash points. Readers write to me with all kinds of dilemmas. 

By emailing your questions, you agree to have them printed anonymously on MarketWatch. By submitting your story to Dow Jones & Co., the writer of MarketWatch, you perceive and agree that we might use your story, or variations of it, in all media and platforms, together with through third events.

The Moneyist regrets he can’t reply to questions individually.

More from Quentin Fottrell:

‘We grew up poor and financially ignorant’: My youngsters are 14 and 16. Is it too late to save for his or her faculty schooling?

‘Poor people are not stupid’: I grew up in poverty, earned $14 an hour, and inherited $150,000. Here’s what I have discovered from my windfall.

I’m 46 and a single mom. Should I empty my 401(ok) to repay my home? There’s $128,000 on the mortgage.