Dear Quentin,
My wife and I are combating over cash — truly, a marriage ceremony, to be precise. She wants us and our daughter to fly throughout the nation to attend her cousin’s vacation spot marriage ceremony. I can take time without work work, however I are not looking for to spend $5,000 on this journey.
I make a superb dwelling in contrast to her, and simply purchased a very costly new automotive. I additionally spend a good quantity of disposable earnings on my actions. I do pay a lot greater than my wife towards our dwelling bills.
I informed her she will use her financial savings to fund this journey, and I will fortunately attend. She says I am rubbing it in her face that I earn more money than her and $5,000 isn’t any huge deal to me. But, hey, $5,000 is $5,000.
This cousin didn’t fly in to attend our marriage ceremony and solely despatched a modest present. I’ve met him possibly thrice throughout our five-year marriage. Am I being egocentric?
Unsure In New York
Dear Unsure,
I have some questions for you.
You write in regards to the relationship between your self and your wife’s cousin — and that you’ve solely met him thrice in 5 years — however what’s the relationship between your wife and her cousin? If she is shut to this cousin, and you’ll usually spend a number of hundreds of {dollars} on a trip collectively, would it not damage to roll this vacation spot marriage ceremony into a broader trip for your loved ones? If this cousin isn’t engaged in your life, do you’ve to be engaged in his?
What is that this standoff actually about? From your letter, it appears that you would be able to afford to take such an costly trip, and spend cash by yourself leisure actions, however you’ve a downside with a) being cajoled into a vacation spot marriage ceremony and b) the truth that it’s for a particular person you don’t know very nicely. It’s one or two days, after which you may benefit from the journey to have personal household time. It doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing prospect.
Destination weddings are enjoyable for individuals who can afford them, and individuals who can’t afford them can often (however not at all times) ship their regrets. This ballot by the personal-finance platform LendingTree discovered that destination-wedding friends spend about $1,400 on common, together with on journey, items and private objects, and so they spend upwards of $2,500 for such weddings outdoors of the U.S. That’s shut to a month-to-month lease or mortgage compensation for many individuals.
“‘Every dollar you spend on an expensive car or lavish leisure activities is money you won’t have if an emergency strikes, and it’s also money you won’t have for your and your wife’s retirement.’”
Let’s speak about your spending for a minute. Your cash, your selection, proper? Yes, and no. Every greenback you spend on an costly automotive or lavish leisure actions is cash you received’t have if an emergency strikes — you lose your job or there’s a shock medical occasion — and it’s additionally cash you received’t have in your and your wife’s retirement. It’s no shock that you’re having hassle making this resolution collectively should you already act unilaterally on main monetary selections.
So to reply your query: No, you aren’t being egocentric — however neither is your wife. You each sound like strong-willed folks. This marriage ceremony has turn into a flashpoint for different points in your marriage: the distinction in your salaries, your willingness to spend tens of hundreds of {dollars} on a new automotive however not in your wife’s cousin’s vacation spot marriage ceremony. The marriage ceremony reception has turn into a battleground: Do you care about your stuff, or your wife’s needs?
That’s an unimaginable query to reply. Step again. This is a chance to have a greater and more healthy dialog about the way you each spend cash, and the way a lot you need to put into a joint account so you’ll be able to have less-contentious discussions with out falling again on the “I earn more money than you and it’s coming out of my pocket” dialog. I know you earn greater than your wife, however would you like a lifetime of getting that dialog?
The time has come to finish that when and for all.
“This wedding has become a flashpoint for other issues in your marriage.”
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